Pet Humor
Subject: Giving Medication:
- Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and
thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks
while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and
swallow.
- Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.
- Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
- Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws
open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth
shut for a count of ten.
- Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of armoire. Call
spouse from garden.
- Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted
by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing
wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
- Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill form foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair
curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and
set to one side for gluing later.
- Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in
end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down
drinking straw.
- Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1
beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to
spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
- Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard and close
door onto neck, leaving head showing. Force mouth open with dessert
spoon. Flick pill down throat with
elastic band.
- Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch.
Pour shot and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for
last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey
compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt
away and fetch new one from
bedroom.
- Call fire department to retrieve the d-- cat from across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into
fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
- Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine
and bind tightly to leg of dining table,
find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed
by large piece of filet steak. Be
rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down
throat to wash pill down.
- Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants form right eye.
Call furniture shop on way home to
order new table.
- Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters
or birds.
HOW TO GIVE DOG A PILL: 1. Wrap it in bacon.
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Baking Cookies With Your Cat
- Look in cookbook for cookie recipe.
- Get cup of coffee.
- Get cat off of cookbook.
- Find that special recipe.
- Get cat's nose out of coffee mug.
- Go to fridge and get eggs.
- Get dry ingredients from cupboard.
- Break eggs in small bowl.
- Sift dry ingredients in large bowl.
- Answer the phone.
- Cat ate eggs; get more from fridge.
- Get cat out of flour bowl and dust cat off.
- Get Band-Aids for scratches on hands.
- Throw flour out and get more.
- Preheat oven for cookies.
- Looking at cat & wanting to bake cat now. Cat runs for cover into
bathroom.
- Flour the counter to roll out cookie dough.
- Big crash in bathroom; run to see what happened.
- Cat has TP all over floor; stuff spilled and knocked over on top of
bathroom counter.
- Yell at cat. Cat falls in toilet bowl.
- Can sense cat is angry.
- Take cat out of toilet to dry cat off.
- Get bandages to cover more scratches on arms and legs.
- Cleanup bathroom.
- Hear a thump in kitchen ... Oh Golly ... now what?
- Get cat off floured counter in kitchen.
- Try to pick out cat hairs from flour.
- Step on cat's tail and get bitten.
- Get coat, car keys, and go to store to buy cookies.
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RESCUE HELP NEEDED ASAP !!!!!!!!
Please help! After two long years of being on a waiting list for an
exotic rare breed dog, we were finally notified by the breeder that at long
last, our number has come up, and... WE'RE HAVING A PUPPY!
We must IMMEDIATELY get rid of our children now, because we just KNOW how
time consuming our new little puppy is going to be! Since our puppy will
be arriving on Monday, we MUST place the children in new homes this
weekend!!!
They are described as: One male, white, blonde hair, blue eyes. Four
years old. Excellent disposition. He doesn't bite. Name is Tommy. Temperament
tested. Current on all shots. Tonsils removed already and very healthy condition!
Tommy eats everything, is very clean, house trained and gets along well
with others. Does not run with scissors and with a little time and training, he
will do well in a new home.
One female, strawberry blonde hair, green eyes. Three years old. Can be
surly at times. Non-biter, thumb sucker. Her name is Mary. Temperament
tested, but needs a little attitude adjusting occasionally. She is current
on all shots, tonsils out, and is very healthy and happy (mostly). Gets
along well with little boys, but does not like to share toys. She is house
trained, and would do best in a one child household.
We really LOVE our children, and want to do what is best for them. I hope
you understand, that ours is a UNIQUE situation, and we have a real
emergency here! They MUST be placed by Sunday night at the latest.
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Cat Commandments
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>^,,^< Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the
modem.
>^,,^< Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the
modem.
>^,,^< Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
>^,,^< Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as if
thou are transparent.
>^,,^< Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the
refrigerator.
>^,,^< Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking
thy rear.
>^,,^< Thou shalt not lie down with thy rear in thy human's face.
>^,,^< Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy humans'
private parts.
>^,,^< Fast as thou art, thou cannot run through closed doors.
>^,,^< Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
>^,,^< Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid,
as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.
>^,,^< Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is
sitting down.
>^,,^< Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4a.m.
>^,,^< Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which
to escape at thy first opportunity.
>^,,^< Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too
slowly.
>^,,^< Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are
guests in thy house.
>^,,^< Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that
houseplants are not meat.
>^,,^< Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded. |
Rules of Etiquette for Inexperienced Cats
- If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot
manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good.
- Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during
the evening. He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice
kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the
better.
- For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors
which contrast with your own.
- Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do
anything. Just sit and stare.
- For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain,
claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.
- Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on
hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it
is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have
ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think
about several things. This is particularly important during very cold
weather or mosquito season.
- If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy
one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie
across the book itself.
- For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze.
Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she
calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.
- For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After
being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table
-- pens, pencils, stamps -- one at a time.
- Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for
playing at night between 2 and 4 a.m.
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How to wrap a Christmas present with cats in the house
- Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
- Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.
- Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
- Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
- Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
- Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape,
ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.
- Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to
enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
- Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that
has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.
- Remove present from bag.
- Remove cat from bag.
- Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
- Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
- Cut paper to size, try to keep the cutting line straight.
- Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore the paper.
- Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present came out of.
- Place present on cut-to-size paper.
- Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove
cat and retry.
- Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky tape.
- Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
- Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
- Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.
- Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
- Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.
- Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.
- Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper.
- Put present in box, and tie down with string.
- Remove string, open box and remove cat.
- Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.
- Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.
- Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock.
- Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area of the toilet, but try your best!)
- Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.
- Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job.
- Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
- Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.
- Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
- Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked.
- At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present.
- Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the darn thing for you.
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"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on
your computer."
--Bruce Graham
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